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So listen.
It’s been a busy couple of weeks for me, and I haven’t really had time to think about Destiny 2, much less play it. This week, I played an inordinate amount of Battlefield to complete GameSpot’s Battlefield 2042 review. Well, I say complete, but it’s a review-in-progress, which means there’s more playing to be done. Immediately before that, it was the same story, but for the Call of Duty: Vanguard review. Plus, we’re nearing our annual game of the year deliberations, which means it’s a sprint to play all the cool things I haven’t played yet. (Check out Inscryption, y’all. Then read my thing about what’s going on in Inscryption’s story.)
I’m making excuses; the reality is, I’m kinda punting on this week’s Iron Banter. But I didn’t want to blow it off completely (something I quietly did a couple weeks ago), so I’m treating this one as a recharge day. This is mostly for me and Senior Editor Chris Pereira. This is my Bozo Dubbed Over, but for Destiny.
Here’s the Destiny 2 experience as depicted in I Think You Should Leave memes.
In the beginning, the Traveler came
Impressed by our many motorcycles, the alien superbeing blessed humanity with the Golden Age.
Clovis Bray made a lot of stuff during the Golden Age
Still, nobody liked him.
Then the Darkness showed up
The Darkness’s whole philosophy is basically, “No. More. Scammin’. Adults. Into thinkin’ they’re stars.”
So the Traveler lets out the Ghosts and the Ghosts create Guardians
Suddenly there’s a bunch of dead bodies around. I dunno what to tell you, bud!
The Exo Stranger brings a message from the future
Somebody’s gotta fight Skeletrex.
And we woke the Hive
Basically, the night that the skeletons came to life.
Guardian life is fun, though–there’s the Crucible
Lord Shaxx is always looking for the next champ.
Master Rahool decrypts engrams and tells you about history
He thinks your record collection is very meat-and-potatoes.
You visit Xur and get cool new clothes
He’s got a shirt that costs a thousand Glimmer because the pattern is so complicated.
Fashion is a big part of it
Oh my god, did you see Brian’s hat?
Later, we meet Calus on the Leviathan
He owns every kind of classic car.
Then Cayde-6 dies
It’s sad.
The Drifter shows up
He’s always talking about eating stuff.
We get Stasis abilities but Zavala thinks it’s bad for us
You gotta be 60lbs to have Stasis.
Crow shows up
He used to be a real piece of shit.
Osiris tried to help us figure out what was up with Savathun
We’re all trying to find the guy who did this.
Savathun’s got some elaborate plans
And now, she will exact her revenge.
Crow found out some upsetting news
He doesn’t even want to be around anymore. But at least he’s not wearing that mask.
But not everything is bad–Glint recently told us some ghost stories
Not trying to be funny. Not trying to make anyone have the worst day of their job. But do any of these–
And it’s the weekend–Trials of Osiris is back.
And you know what that means.
Please make me feel less dumb about spending my time on this by dropping your own jokes in the comments.
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